2 Things You Should Know

1. I'm not always the best at talking about important things in my life.
2. Both of my parents died before I turned 14.

With that in mind, today was a difficult day.

In the past, the story of my parents frequently found its way into conversations. Ever since coming to Nashville, that has diminished more and more. I'm not sure if it is just the age of my peers (not inquiring, growing out of ties to parents, etc), or if it is the private, closed nature of individuals here.

My father has been dead for 18 years of my life. He was a brilliant, nearly bald, 6'2'' pediatric nephrologist (kids' kidney doctor). He was also a tennis player, writer, and studied English as an undergrad. What did I get from him? His squinty eyes, his alligator smile, curly hair, love of Star Wars, photography, freckles, and poetry.

I don't remember much about him; all the memories I have are from when he was sick (he had lung cancer, although he never smoked). I remember playing Chutes and Ladders with him on my parents' bed, watching him watch tennis while eating lunch, and pulling our couch outside to the backyard so he could recline in the sun and watch us play.

Just because I'm not generally going to bring my parents up in conversation doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to talk about them. In fact, most of the time, I do. Grieving is difficult, and goes through many stages. It may have been over a decade since my father died, but there are times where I still wish he was here to help me with my writing, to tell me how he proposed to my mother, to tell me what my first word was.

So, there you have it. It is important for me to talk about my parents because my relationship to them when they were living and since they've died has factored into a lot of the way I live now. To be unaware of something this important to me is to be missing a huge chunk of my person (and doesn't that sound like I've been taken out by a great white? side note - sharks are one of my favorite animals).

More on Mom later. Right now, deep breaths, good memories, and the understanding that despite where you are in your life, it's all going to be ok. There isn't an alternative.